Where do I begin?

It’s been about six months since “this” ended.  While it has gotten easier, I can’t deny that there are moments (sometimes longer than simply moments) where it is incredibly difficult.  To date, I don’t regret what happened.  I know in my heart that I didn’t seek this situation our, nor did I go into it with any malice.  But I know in many ways I was simply true to form – at least when the situation fell right into my lap. 

On the positive side, I got so many answers that were a couple decades in the making.  But the value of those answers seems dwarfed by something I didn’t anticipate – a relationship.  Yes, it’s probably insane to call it that.  But since I know everything I said (aside from some names and geographic places) was true, so I have to assume that what I was being told was also true. 

You would think that maybe I’d feel I never should have started in the first place, but more and more I feel that I never should have ended it.  I think I did it for the right reasons – I was feeling guilty, felt that I was stringing someone else along, and was fairly confident that it was only a matter of time before I slipped up and the entire situation came crashing down on me. 

And, I can deny this all I want, but I really did hope that it wouldn’t end.  I hoped (unrealistic as it may have been) that the feelings and the depth of sharing that transpired would be stronger than the old feelings of anger and betrayal.  I’m not foolish enough to say that there was much hope – probably not even double digits of hope.  But, it was there and, as we all know, I am a risk taker.

Anyway, I was thinking that if I started writing about it in that stream of consciousness way that so typified our correspondence, it would be helpful and maybe fill part of that void.  While I don’t believe this will be a substitution for that connection which was so remarkable, maybe I will be able to avoid the temptation to do anything unwise…..whatever that may be.

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