One thing I haven’t really admitted to anyone – including myself – is the amount of anger I have for Me2.\u00a0 I think the big reason I don’t talk about it is because I really don’t think I have the right to be angry.\u00a0 In so many ways, I’ve caused this situation and so it’s rather unreasonable for me to disregard someone else’s feelings and then be angry when they don’t respond the way I’d like.<\/p>\n
But the truth of the matter is that no one can or should take all of the blame.\u00a0 Things in interpersonal relationships are never all one way – or all black and white.\u00a0 That was one of the things Me2 expressed in our online relationship.\u00a0 When I’d talk about the situation with “The Songwriter” and express my remorse, he was more than willing to give me the out that so many others had – how I was young, how it wasn’t intentional, how I did the best that I could, etc. etc. etc.\u00a0<\/p>\n
While it was important for me to hear that, it also has made me angry.\u00a0 Angry that he’s able to give reasons why I should forgive myself for things that he – once he knew who I was – was unable to forgive me for (if you can follow that, good luck to you).<\/p>\n
Oh, but this has also made me angry at other things.\u00a0 Angry that this person could have what he professes to be such deep feelings for “me” is unable to get past his feelings for me (from 2 decades ago) to go with it.\u00a0 Angry that he was never able to express himself to me the way he expressed himself to “me”.<\/p>\n
But, most of all, I’m angry that he had the opportunity to live out a fantasy, a Hollywood ending that almost nobody ever gets the chance to, and he walked away from it.\u00a0<\/p>\n
Now, I certainly am not implying that this could have been some perfect love story.\u00a0 I’ve actually thought about what would have happened had we actually gotten over this little speed bump (he says with more than a tad of sarcasm).\u00a0 The truth of the matter is, I’m not even remotely sure that dating would have been any more successful this time around than the last time.\u00a0 I think the odds could have been more favorable if for no other reason that we’re older and, hopefully, wiser and able to communicate better.<\/p>\n
But it’s also possible that had this gone further, that open and honest communication might not have been quite as free.\u00a0 It’s possible that we are both too different or set in our ways to be able to co-exist.\u00a0 It’s possible that we’d get to know eachother as real people and feel that it wasn’t quite the match it appeared to be.<\/p>\n
That said, there are positive possibilities as well.\u00a0 And the tragedy of this situation is that we will not know.\u00a0 And that makes me angry.\u00a0 And it makes me sad.\u00a0 For both of us.<\/p>\n
And, in some way, I feel responsible for snatching that possibility away from him.\u00a0 Not that I wasn’t open to it.\u00a0 But because after opening up a side of him that he had closed off, my revelation prompted him to slam that door shut.\u00a0 Again, I can take the blame because I can also take the credit.\u00a0 I have to believe that the feelings he expressed, the synchronicisty he was feeling, the almost combustible chemistry that was forming was all real.\u00a0<\/p>\n
I could also choose to believe that it was all a lie on his part.\u00a0 That he didn’t find me hysterically funny.\u00a0 That he wasn’t thinking some of the same things I wrote in letters.\u00a0 That he wasn’t attracted to the personality, the opinions, the views, and the soul that was bared in those letter.\u00a0 I could choose to think that he was only interested in a hot guy whose photo he saw and was willing to say or do anything to get into his pants.\u00a0 Sure, I could choose to believe that.\u00a0 But I don’t.<\/p>\n
Years ago, he told me that I hear what I want to hear.\u00a0 That I take what’s convenient out of a conversation and gloss over the stuff I didn’t want to accept.\u00a0 Well, maybe he’s projecting.\u00a0 Because this time around, the entire relationship was in print.\u00a0 And I read every single word.\u00a0 I heard every single word.\u00a0 And I believe it.<\/p>\n
But I shouldn’t be surprised.\u00a0 The first time, yes, I absolutely pushed and pushed and pushed until he pushed me away.\u00a0 And even then, he only asked for time and I pushed yet alittle more – until he was completely spent and said he was done.\u00a0 OK.\u00a0 See?\u00a0 Taking responsibility.\u00a0 Recognizing perhaps that I was young, emotionally immature, blah, blah, blah.\u00a0 Got it.<\/p>\n
HOWEVER – that last real conversation ended with him saying (paraphrasing): “If, in a month, you have really gotten help and want to talk about this, I’ll talk to you.”\u00a0 Now, yes, I took that and ran – mind racing, we could get back together, everything would be right with the world.\u00a0 But make no mistake – for that month, that entire month, he did not hear a peep from me.\u00a0 Not a single conversation, letter, card, nothing.\u00a0<\/p>\n
Now, again, I am not referring to any notes here – but there is the slightest possibility that a week after this conversation I may have left him a message at home when I knew he’d be at work, asking him to check my phone line to see if the phone company actually turned my line off.\u00a0 And I believe he called me back when he knew I wouldn’t be home to say that he checked the line and it was off.\u00a0 That may or may not have been during this one month of silence.\u00a0 I’m not sure.\u00a0 But if so, that would have absolutely been it.<\/p>\n
Now, come on – do you know how hard it would have been for me (yes ME) to not call and stay away for a month???\u00a0 IMPOSSIBLE!!!\u00a0 It was hell.\u00a0 It was also incredibly helpful.\u00a0 It was something I needed to do.\u00a0 And I did work with a therapist during this time.\u00a0 And I did make some very teensy baby steps.<\/p>\n
It didn’t hurt that for the last week of this month I was in Milan.\u00a0 That was also horrible.\u00a0 It should have been amazing, but in truth I was a wreck over this.\u00a0 And Milan in Jan\/Feb is incredibly cold, bleak, miserable.\u00a0 For years and years, any time people would talk about Milan, I’d say what a horrible city it is and how inhospitable it was.\u00a0 Yes, I blamed Milan for everything.\u00a0<\/p>\n
But while I was there, the month was up.\u00a0 Before leaving the States, I bought a kitchy postcard which was a closeup (I believe) of a watch on some guy’s wrist.\u00a0 And I wrote on the flip side, “According to my watch, it’s been a month.”\u00a0 Yes, I know, I know – pathetic.\u00a0 I said something about leaving for Milan, but would love to talk when I got back and asked for him to leave a message on my machine if that was OK…because apparently I felt like I needed permission to call him after he said he’d talk to me.<\/p>\n
Nothing.\u00a0 No message.\u00a0 I think I did call and left a message or two, which prompted a message back saying that he never promised we’d talk and why don’t I just leave him alone.\u00a0 That did serve one purpose – it initiated the anger phase of that break-up \ud83d\ude09\u00a0 Until then, I think I was really caught up in blaming myself, beating myself up, all that crap.\u00a0 And then, after I did something incredibly difficult for me, it was dismissed.\u00a0<\/p>\n
But I think even then, I didn’t really express the anger.\u00a0 I didn’t even allow myself to feel it.\u00a0 Rest assured, it came out – usually at the least opportune times.\u00a0 But none of it was good.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"
One thing I haven’t really admitted to anyone – including myself – is the amount of anger I have for Me2.\u00a0 I think the big reason I don’t talk about it is because I really don’t think I have the right to be angry.\u00a0 In so many ways, I’ve caused this situation and so it’s …<\/p>\n